From my notebooks

Summer 2006
page 3

These words are my priest, my lover, my friend and my enemy. These are round words and triangular words.

Outside I can hear loud knocks from inside escaping the street.

Thunder, white, swallow, red. Dreams. shit. callow, slow. smooth. dumb.

Profound Beaks. Blunder robotic, the earth called the buildings.

I loved it. I vowed. The ring pierced itself upon or on my finger, and after a brief darkness my eyes exploded out from behind their lids.

The gods sent spiders to

page 4

impostor as my hands which now spun webs around your hips. Ivan the terrible. I’m being oblivious. cords on the blue blue sea. Then or now she was the victim of a gasp.

I tried to prove to you that the sand would rise and shift one day.

Profound, not shock and awe. Drowning or
gaging with jealousy. Teeth bright as apples.

Let me fuck your shit or something. Why don’t choo know that I wrought my hands out of bewilderment.

studyabroad.com
gradschools.com

I didn’t want this at all and I’m frustrated. Puta bitches.

I’m ready to put a cap in your gangsta ass. So yesterday I studied logic for a couple of hours. Today I go do the same. Tomorrow I do it the same. We don’t have class on

page 5

wed. Then when fucking monday comes along I will have learned something. Supposedly. But I will read the rest of the history book too. Then I will read the rest of the plays. Tomorrow we meet for the club. I’m gonna sketch a constitution. That’s easy or fun. Then I’m gonna have a bunch of shit to do; filling out forms. When that happens I have to try and make them do fund raisers. Fund raisers for everyone. I don’t want to work today even though I need the money. I’m not cut out for life in general. I still haven’t done my taxes. What else haven’t I done? Shit on my leg. So if I get out of work @ 10pm I have an hour to study or so. I have 2 weeks to get ahead in life. Two weeks to get ahead in life.

Albert Goldbarth.

From my notebooks

Summer 2006
page1

Ten Things for 10 days
day2

1. Don’t forget the list.
2.Remember 10 smells & write them down
3. Complete the list of ten things
4. pay for emergency loan
5. listen to the republic
6. do 10 pushups ten times
7. be home in time for project runway
8. finish cleaning my room
9. Write ten pages divided by two
10. spend less than $20 today

Ten smells for day 2
1. The road smells heavy and moist with undertones of gasoline and hot rubber
2. this morning when I took a shit it smelled putrid, insane gaging smell like rotten baby shit.
3. my room smells like stale cigars, sweet cheap cigars and moisture

Page 2
a pillbox sitting upon the ideal dresser, split down the half into red and white, shaped like a flattened ovary. open the box with your ideal hand against the ideal background. The pills shine white as dreams, whiter than ideal teeth under hot lights. They have to be self lighted. You hold one between your thumb and pointer finger, only as firmly as necessary, adjust your weight as you lean your head slightly back, and feel the basic taste of your fingers as they briefly make contact with your mid-tongue wetness, swallowing with only saliva and air. You right your sight and equilibrium, refocus your eyes and look down at your belly legs and feet.

This goes out to the Devil who set me on fire.

Latin chicks and black chicks
and white chicks and fat chicks
and skinny chicks and
tall chicks with chubby cheeks and all chicks
who look like they don’t have nowhere to be,
should spin once around and follow me
to an isolated stairwell or an electrical corridor
that smells like ozone and chlorine
for a cold touch from the concrete floor to
remind you why you wanted more than
a cold touch on your radical poison
lips and the isolated portions of your lower
inside thigh. Sigh an ancient sigh for me.

Who is Responsible for the War in Iraq?

Neoconservatism is what got us into this war, it’s what’s keeping us there, and it must fail because it deceives us.

read more | digg story

Steve Rodgers is Dead

I woke up this morning thinking of highschool.  Now
that Steve Rodgers is Dead.

I’ve got eight poems to decide on in twenty minutes and haven’t started looking. I should choose something no one will recognize. Will the phone ever lay the fuck down
and let me have my way? I doubt it. I want to strangle you, whoever you are on that other end.

Didn’t do a lick of good after I got out of work last nite. Then there was a bowl and ISKA kickboxing. But who am I kidding? I need a laptop computer. Arg. I need a regular desktop. It must be so. Only two hundred?

In my daylight hours I dont spend enough time in the sun. Yesterday I was reading a book in front of the store. It was a good book and it was a nice afternoon and I was high on love. We ate chinese food. She was working, I was getting my soul ready to work. Even though, I don’t believe in the soul as such, I don’t know what it means, what it does, all that stuff. I still have to prepare it, just like everything else needs to be prepared.

Every part for you. When I goto sleep at night I’m under the covers, sometimes with my shoes on and all my clothes on.

My stomach was bumbling last night, I ate too many times yesterday. I might gain weight. Need a hair cut, a shave. My feet are dirty. I need to wash my feet. Not to mention my pits. I’ve got a notorious smell.

We bought coffee last night and I got espresso. I’ve never had espresso before, and it was obvious why when I tasted it. Maybe espresso is good in Italy.

Let me be honest with you at least once.

working hard

my feet are profoundly tired.

Let me tell you what I mean when I say this. I mean that I feel my feet. That means that my foot is a part of my body(which includes my brain) and my body has an emotional reaction to it’s environment. Some actual physical phenomena have stimulated receptors in my foot. In this case, the floor(which I feel through the layers of my shoe) has been acting on my foot for about six hours. I have added energy to this reaction by moving about nimbly and with grace. Therefore the stress of the reaction on my foot tissue and the degree of sensory stimulation has been affected. This has created a strong feeling in my brain. I am acutely aware of my foot tissue at this moment. As I become more aware of my foot tissue and the damage it has sustained in this stressful reaction, I am given opportunity by my awareness to affect change in my awareness of my foot tissue. This means that I can choose what parts of my foot tissue to be aware of, or not to be. I have choosen not to be acutely aware of the pain (which I still feel) but instead to be aware of the sensation of warm heat that accompanies tissue inflammation. The awareness of this process causes the brain to divert more blood flow to the corresponding brain structures, making them more active. Meaning that it makes more blood flow to your feet, thereby increasing the positive sensation and causing the pain to decrease as foot tissue is repaired by increased blood flow.

positively mind boggling.

hungry

We are geniuses of boredom. I can’t eat love.
The purpose of intellect
is to find the exact emotion. I’m not
afraid of time. Lately
I’ve been feeling down. But as I mature
there I go,
up again. Zskia. Inglish
please. Nor is there room for pure
agate in a crystal ball.
Or could there be shapes in oil, bastards keeping
a hittie here. A mayan. So by a goal a path is found.
She may have asked to pass but stayed.
when may is leaves, she falls
shalom shalaai.

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son of a candlestick

I feel beastly like Eeyore. Just got finished with a plate of food. Belly fat no feel good. Um, maybe I’ll just ruminate on that. I’m reading about this Dave Eggers character. I think he’s in a novel or something.

Cadiliac skills, Caddylack grills. She said he said cat a lak pills. Thrills. Torpid is something that a vampire becomes if it has not had enough blood or sustains more damage than it has hit points. That is because a vampire only dies from Lethal Damage. Seriously.  Baby, won’t you sing to me. Like the jaybird or the mint. Let me bubble here. Only yesterday I was sitting in the room where I live and just like, dying to get over with something. Soduko does not abide. It likes me. And but If I could only answer every necessity as it occured. There’s a few minutes left in the night. Gonna go to V.

They say they have V or I, but I’ve got V of V’s. No narrator or state but dictator of my love.

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Too much stuff.

It’s been a day or maybe more. Things have been very busy. I am in the
middle of finals. The club did a poetry reading at the art house on
december 1st. I had a good time at the afterparty. But as the evening
wore on I lapsed into paranoia and brooded on the meaning of a japanese
man and his whore. I went with porter and Rob, the crazy chemist, to
eat tacos and chill. I was somely rude to Chrisy, but I didn’t mean it
and sorry about that Chrisy. The reading was ok. The crowd was not as
hot on us at they were on each other. But yeah, that’ the sound. I was
a ham. I know it. Smoked too much cigarettes that night.

Two
days ago my mom asked me to leave my house and I left. I knew she
wasn’t serious but I was. So I stayed at a place that I know for two
days. But yesterday I came back to talk to them, but was so busy with
stuff I couldn’t get around to it. I panicked at first at the thought
of living on my own. I don’t know if I can pay for school. I’ve never
had to follow a budget. But I already went through that initial fear
and now I want to do it anyway. There are some appartments on violet
for three hundred. That’s very cheap. Very cheap. I figure about seven
hundred dollars a month on basic expenses.

I was sober for two
or three days and It felt good but I smoked yesterday with a friend of
Dani and her little brother who I think is named Manuel . Then I laid
out in the lawn and Dani was singing and I read chapter seven of “A” by
louis Zukofsky and I got so fucking high off of that poem I decided to
just get high on poetry from then on. But today I found a snippet of a
joint and took one hit which made me silly and full of slowness. I am
still not all of myself yet. I’m waiting for my full force to come.

That’s
the reason I decided that smoking is dumb. Because the day that I
hadn’t smoked I made 60 dollars in a six hour shift, and at the
restaurant where I work that’s pretty good.

My mom is nice to
me now. But it doesn’t matter because she loves me. I want to have my
own bathroom and other things that I may or may not deserve. I haven’t
done my taxes in two years, so last night I tried to do them but I 
need to get my debit card back in action. I made ten thousand dollars
in 2005. Crazy huh? None of that money can be found now. It was all
hamburgers and video games and tacos.

draft 2 of what was formerly “some honesty”

Honestly what are we sometimes? Honestly sometimes we are sometimes
honestly what are we sometimes. Sometimes we honestly are. What are we
sometimes. Honestly we are. Sometimes honestly. What are some times,
honestly? We are. Some honesty sometimes, sometimes honestly what our
sometimes are. Somely honest some are. Some are, honestly. Honestly
some limes we are. Some We are times. Are honestly what some are?

Some are honestly what we sometimes are. We sir are sometimes honest.
Sometimes we honestly are what are we. Sometimes. We are sometimes what
are we sometimes. We are what are we sometimes. Some we, some are
sometimes. Some lines are key sometimes. Are keys some we’s? Some times
we are what are keys. What keys are we’s? Times sometimes, times we
are.

We are some meat sometimes. Honestly. Not me sometimes. Meet not we are
meat. We are. We are not. Sometimes honesty is meet sometimes. We are
in the honestly. Honestly we’d honor timely sometimes. What times?

So tell me of honesty, meat. We are meat aren’t we honestly? Somely
times we are. Our sometimes honesty times we. Timely what? Honesty?
Time we meet. We eat limes. Our keys. Our honesty. We meet honesty
times lies we lives, our meat. We lie. Honest. We meet honestly with
some lies, our keys. What are we? Some lies? Some keys? We are some
lies keys times comely honesty. Times come. Meet not what but are. Meet
what are we. But what are meet? Not we, are we?

I laughed in honesty. When is honesty free from lies? When I’m free of
these lines. Where are my limes and my honesty? In the meat of these my
lines. A throb was heard from a cloud, or clouds. Around we are we. We
are in lines. Time is coming. We are minced meat, honestly. Shredded
ginger, honestly. I’d draw you if I had alot of crayons. Something
about me realizes that thats infinite and eternal. That what that we
are thats what are we. And I’d draw that if I could in lines.
Honestly sometimes we are sometimes honestly what are we sometimes.
Sometimes. Sometimes honestly. Sometimes we honestly are. We are what
are we. Honestly. Sometimes. Some honesty sometimes satisfies. What are
we sometimes? We are sometimes honesty. We are somely honest times. We
somely are at times. We satisfies some times. Are satisfies lies? Time
we satisfy. We some are what?

We sometimes are honest. What? We are. We are a cold breeze sometimes
honestly in the shade.

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//–>
Honestly sometimes we are sometimes honestly what are we sometimes.
Sometimes. Sometimes honestly. Sometimes we honestly are. We are what
are we. Honestly. Sometimes. Some honesty sometimes satisfies. What are
we sometimes? We are sometimes honesty. We are somely honest times. We
somely are at times. We satisfies some times. Are satisfies lies? Time
we satisfy. We some are what?

We sometimes are honest. What? We are. We are a cold breeze sometimes
honestly in the shade.

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